The 5 issues the Pokémon Universe doesn’t address

Despite the fact Pokémon games are aimed at small children the average age of a Pokémon fan is probably 22.  Many of us grew up with Pokémon but now we find ourselves in a world that has not grown up with us.  For now that we are older and more mature we start to ask questions about the world we love, about why it does not reflect the one we live in.  So I have sought to ask the forbidden questions and traverse the taboo issues.  But I don’t have an attention span so I just wrote a list instead.  Everybody likes lists.

1.       1.Eating Pokémon

Surely you’ve eaten some sort of exotic meat before, like shark or whale or kangaroo.  It goes without saying then that in the Pokémon universe there would have to be those who like to eat Pokémon?  Seriously when you think about it Snorlax is basically a larger, stupider cow.  There’s bird Pokémon, seafood Pokémon, even vegetarian Pokémon!  This leads to more disturbing questions, like are there ranches where Pokémon are bred for food?  Are there restaurants where they serve exclusively Pokémon meats? Do trainers eat their Pokémon if things get tough out on the road?  The answer to all of those questions is yes. 

2.       2. Pokephila

I didn’t list this one last because it is painfully obvious.  In a world where you have various cute animal/humanoid type beasts, there is eventually going to be someone that wants to have sex with one of them.  Considering Japan is where Pokémon is from, you can bet there is a wacky game show dedicated to having sex with Pokémon.  Look through the list of Pokémon and you can see all sorts of different creatures that could have a use when you are drunk and all alone (or not but hey that could be your thing); Pikachu, Chansy and Juigglypuff wouldn’t last 2 minutes in a Japanese bath house without being raped by older Asian gentlemen; Diglett is pretty much a didlo; Exeggcute looks like anal beads; Lickitung should be pretty obvious; and Jynx is either a hooker from a racist 1940’s Warner Bros cartoon or a blow up doll, or both.  The point is that in the Pokémon universe there would be whole perverted subcultures that have found an advantage in keeping cute little creatures that obey your every command.  Just saying is all.

3.       3. Pokémon Death matches

Fighting Pokémon is cool right.  There are whole stadiums and gyms and leagues dedicated to this most awesome of concepts.  But if the human in the poke-world are anything like the humans in our world, they get bored easily.  What is cooler than watching battle for your amusement?  Watching Pokémon battle to the death for your amusement!    Somewhere outside of the ten-year-old-Japanese-boy trainer demographic, there would have to be douchebags full of ‘roids with ‘extreme’ tattooed on their cocks that fight their Pokémon to the death in some violent underground circuit.  If the game is to be believed they would all sport fighting Pokémon like Machamp but about half of the Pokémon in existence have some way of horribly mauling anything that pisses them off.  Take Kabutops for example, the motherfucker is an armoured shell with blades for hands.  Fighting Pokémon to the death would probably be more popular than the actual leagues assuming they used their Pokémon to kill PETA or whatever the poke-world equivalent is.  Which brings me to my next point…

4.       4. Pokémon as criminals

Again, how can you not see the advantage of having a monster that obeys your every command and can do magic.  It is like the birthday wish of some retarded 6 year old.  Why work for money, what your Golem can rip through a bank vault like it was paper?  Why hold down a full time job when your Alakazam can hypnotize basically anyone you point him at?  Why take the shit of everyone in society who pisses you off when you can have (presumably) 6 fire-breathing dragons who are just as pissed off at the establishment as you are, only they listen to you.  The crime in this world would be phenomenal.  Almost anyone who has a pokeball and 15 minutes to walk around the grass has the potential to become a super-villain.  Sure they have the whole Team Rocket thing but they seem to be doing it wrong to say the least.

5.       5. Black Market Pokegoods

You know what would be cool in your living room?  A stuffed Dragonite.  Or maybe a throw rug made from a Raichu.  Pick a Pokémon and it has a cool feature you could either make furniture from or sell to saps as a cure for AIDS.  If you think poaching in Africa is bad, what about the Pokémon world?  If I had $10,000 to spare I would totally buy the shell of a Blastoise and convert it into a hot-tub.  Pimping indeed.   How about ornamental swords made from a Scyther’s arms?  You could become a fucking ivory baron just by capturing Pokémon and selling their groovy features for money, and probably their meat as well.   I could guarantee you someone is going to want to snort the penis of Jolteon if it has the same effect as coke and Viagra put together, which I am assuming it does.  And here the game has you selling trinkets like a sucker.