Possible Character Classes for Diablo 3.

Blizzard has announced that Diablo 3 will have 5 character classes, so if you are like me you need to know what the other two are.  Since Blizzard is gay for big announcements it is likely we won’t find out the next class until BlizzCon, and even then it is not a guarantee.  So we can do the next best thing, speculate without a rational basis!  We do know that according to D2 the classes would basically fall under the categories of all combat, all magic, some magic mostly combat, ranged, mostly magic some combat.   Going off that we can assume what kind of classes are going to be in the next addition of the series.  The current classes fit into that style with the barb being all combat, wizard being all magic, and the witch-doctor being mostly magic but a different type of cool magic with some combat aspects.   So let’s look at other possible character classes that fit the RPG character mould and have the background to suit.

 

Knight

Monsters have popped up all over the world and have started attacking a killing everyone with no real direction or organization.  You are a king/noble/warlord and all of a sudden your populace starts bitching about this latest turn of events.  So what do you do?  You send out your loyal knights into the countryside to smackdown some demons and get everyone off your back of course!

 This is on the basis that the game probably needs a secondary combat class, not as powerful as the barb but can hold its own in a fight.  Usually a class like this is boosted by party-friendly abilities like the Paladin from D2, or low level magicks like the Druid.  The Knight is possible because considering the World of Sanctuary, the region of Westmarch is yet to be included in the game or have any characters included from there.  We know from Diablo 1 that Westmarch was a kingdom that King Leoric warred against and thus would most probably have knights that are now travelling throughout Sanctuary killing monster where they can. 

 However this would probably be too close to the Paladin, they’d look similar although the Knight would almost definitely be white.  Besides if they did they would have to find some way to compensate for the lack of combat prowess of the barb which would probably led back to them being a Paladin with a different name, and skin.  Furthermore, the addition of sexes means that it is unlikely that female knights will be included as it has always been a more traditional thing for men to be knights and while I think that girls look hot in full suits of plate mail (thank you Soul Calibur 4 for backing me up here) it might not appeal to everyone else.

 While I doubt a Knight is one of their other characters, the history of Diablo games and the action/RPG genre in general dictates that there must be a character who is 70% melee, 30% either magic or support.  Still background-wise they definitely have the potential o be included but it’d like to think Blizzard has more class than to outright copy the Paladin.

 Likelihood – 3/10

 Daemon Hunter

 For most of your life you have grown up in the world of Sanctuary, however in the last few years demons have been all over the place terrorizing the local villagers.   The entrepreneur in you sees an opportunity to make some money off of this, while the badass in your wants to see just how tough these demons actually are.  So you flip off a poster of Van Helsing and go out in to the world to start busting up demons wherever you find them.

 This character class has a lot of potential for awesome.  Images of a dude with armour on under a massive cloak with a long sword and a crossbow is what I get when I think of this concept.  Blizzard could ‘borrow’ a lot of inspiration from the witch-hunters/inquisitors of the Warhammer universe.  Background wise it would make sense for professional demon hunters to be roaming the land of sanctuary dealing out justice to whomever they feel deserves it.  Game wise they could be focused on close combat, but have a variety of spells to counteract demons and monsters, maybe even summon or control them in some respects.  Plus their grim sort of nature would fit in well with the style of the game.

 I can’t see too many disadvantages to this idea.  They fit in well with the Diablo theme, they make sense background-wise, and they could play with a distinct style.  Not to mention the female versions would be amazingly hot.  They would be much more combat orientated then a necromancer and not as summon-heavy as a  witch-doctor with ranged options and probably even spells that offer protection benefits to the rest of the party.

 Likelihood – 8/10

 Angel

 Demons have broken the ancient pact that states the forces of heaven and hell can’t directly invade sanctuary so now it is on for everyone.  Not to sit idly by like jerks, heaven sends down its own angels to fuck up the demons’ day.

 This concept is awesome.  Awesome to the max.  I think most of us want this to be a character class.  Glowing wings, hooded cloaks, shining suits of armour, the entire concept of playing as an angel just oozes appeal.  Background-wise it could work as now that hell is invading, the forces of heaven descend to try and stop sanctuary being consumed by the forces of evil.  In game terms Angels would again be melee orientated with a range of anti-demonic spells and abilities.  Using their wings in combat as well as their weapons would also greatly appeal to anyone who gets boners for wings.  Female Angels would give rise to some much fan-made porn you will probably need an external hard-drive to store it all.  For educational purposes.  Female angels are present throughout Christian mythology so it is not out of the question.

 On the other hand, the inclusion of angels would also be sort of nerfing them.  Having the protectors of the heaven forced to complete the menial tasks that will be the early act quests would seem kind of silly.  “You there, immortal angel.  Could you please kill the horrible monster that is scaring our cattle?  kkthnxbye.”  It wouldn’t fit in well with the epic image angels have.  Similarly with characters levelling up, an angel that couldn’t defeat the first enemies you encounter in the game like zombies would be kind of a pathetic angel.

 This idea has incredible potential, and I’d imagine would have been a serious consideration for Blizzard depending on which way they progress the storyline.  Once again a melee/magic/support role could be filled quite well by Angel.  However it could almost be too awesome and we could see battle.net servers clogged with Angels.

 Likelihood – 7/10

 Bandit

 If one looks at the map of Sanctuary there is a pretty big desert waste to the north of Kurast.  It is fairly safe to assume that tribes of nomadic people live there who weren’t fucked up like the residents of Aranech.  Stereotypical nomads are usually bandit-type people that ride horses, shoot bows and arrows and steal things from wealthy, fat Sultans.  Now that the world is in chaos these people see an opportunity to save their lands form monsters and steal some really awesome stuff as well.

In terms of design bandits would probably be of Arabic-decent covered in robes with a bandana over their face and a very Arabian Nights-esque feel to them.  This would work well in terms of both a male and female version of the character, mainly cause it bandits generally can be from either gender.  This class would play sort of like a cross between assassin and amazon, using ranged combat and a whole bunch of other sneaky tricks to bring down their enemies while staying out of frontline assaults.  This presents a wide variety of possible skills they could have, form ranged to stealth, even traps of some sort.  Poison would also be a good tool for them to use considering their combat style.  They would fit in well with the feel of the Diablo world and could be developed a fair bit seeing as though the area they are from is relatively unknown in the Diablo universe.

 This class could be considered too close to the assassin if they include traps as a category of their skills.  Other than that the class seems to fit well in terms of background and style of play.  It would be interesting to see what Blizzard decides to use for the ranged class, but as of now this is all I could think of them using due to the fact both bow-heavy groups in Sanctuary have already represented.  I doubt the Amazon would be in the game again, with the barb already there it would be too similar to D2.

 Likelihood – 7/10

The best part about playing each Team Fortress 2 class.

Similar to the article on the most annoying things about each class, however while that was based on playing badly these are based largely on flukes occurring in the game.  Let’s hear it for dumb luck people!

Pyro – Those excellent rampages when you kill half of the opposing team.  It is an incredible sense of self satisfaction when you see most of the other team on fire.

Sniper – Contrary to the sister piece I done of the TF2 classes, dominating a rival Sniper is fucking sweet.  The victory is made even better if they change to Spy in an effort to kill you but only receive a knife in the forehead for their troubles, then ragequit and write a shitty article about it.  At the same time, if you can manage to sneak past the opposing team and setup behind there spawn it provides absolute hilarity shooting them in the back of the head as they run in a straight line towards the battle.  Sure after you kill a few a Scout or Pyro will come looking for you, but if you can hide well enough to avoid them you can continue to rape.

Spy – Camping the enemy spawn for a good proportion of the game.  Because after you have taken out the teleporter entrances more than once and killed about 4 people, the entire team goes ape-shit trying to find you.

Heavies – Gunning down half the enemy team at once is why people play Heavy.  Usually you need a Medic to help you with this, because it is made every better when the enemy launches an attack on you and you alone only to be foiled by an ubercharge.

Engineer – Engineer is all about finding the right place to put up your sentry gun.  If it sucks it suck, if it is good you can be the sole reason the cart never makes it past the first checkpoint.

Scout – I hate Scout.  I’m bad at it and everyone else is good at it.  I am convinced Scout is in the game to troll everyone else.  That is the best thing about Scout, pissing of the other players with your fucking baseballs and Force of Nature.

Medic – Healing and Ubering is part of playing Medic properly, the most fun you can have though is going on epic bonesaw rampages.  It is especially awesome if you do it with the ubersaw and deploy an ubercharge once you run out of people to stab and just run around taunting the enemy who thought they finally had you.

Soldier – Crit rockets into a large group of people or a sentry nest.  Taking out 4 people in one shot makes you feel like a big man.

Demoman – Similar to Soldier, having most of the opposing team run into your nest of stickies is fucking radical.  Yes, radical.  It is hard to do because most people aren't complete retards, but on those rare occasion where no one sees them and you get 5 or more people in one go I have to taunt for the screencap, even if you means getting killed.

What GoldenEye's multiplayer got right.

GoldenEye 007 is the best shooter on a console hands down.  It has never, or will never be bested. Fuck you, Halo fans!  Why was it awesome?  I’ll tell you why, because a 4 foot man could karate chop a 8 foot man in the balls.  You hear that?  It is the sound of any other argument being invalid.  GoldenEye's multiplayer done other things right which successive games have failed to do for some reason, they may get some of them right but not all.

Weapon System – By far one of the best aspects was the system in which weapons were selected in multiplayer.  By having a main weapon that was essentially the star of the show, it dictated the style in which the round would be played.  Power Weapons was all about getting the RCP-90 and dominating with it.  Remote Mines was all about using the mines the right way, and to the contrary Proximity Mines was about throwing as many mines as you could everywhere around the map until no one could walk 5 feet without blowing up.  Usually from their own mines.  Sure you could use them properly to rig spawn sites, ammo boxes, corners, etc but come one that is not nearly as much fun.  Even better was the choice of having Timed Mines.  Everyone knows these were fucking useless, however, Mines in general had the best supporting weapons, the ZMG and the AR-33.  So if you wanted to play with these you just picked Timed Mines and stomped anyone stupid enough to actually try using the mines.  Rocket Launchers was just a chaotic whirlwind of rocket spam and accidental suicides.   Sniper Rifles was great if you played in an open area like Runway, but even stalking through the basement trying to ambush one another way hectic.  The best part about this system was that instead of there being a few weapons which everyone uses to no end (*cough* counter strike *cough*) each option presented a different way of playing the game that differed quite a bit from option to option giving the game much more lastability.  The choice to play unarmed was brilliant, especially on License to Kill.

Health System – This was a very clever system in my opinion.  Either you could have it where everyone had their normal health and body armour, or you could opt to have every shot, from every gun one hit kill.  Again this presented so many different ways of playing the game.  License to Kill was much more fast-paced and dangerous as the best gun was the one with the best rate of fire.  You only Live Twice was a clever idea in the way it eliminated players leaving a last-man standing.  Capture the Flag is standard in a lot of other multiplayer shooters but once again, GoldenEye pulled it off well.  Man with the Golden Gun was great for people that never really played License to Kill because it completely changed the dynamic of match and was all about dislodging who ever found it first from the place the gun spawned. 

Random Spawns – What made this great was the fact players had to make use of the entire map, not just various spawn location and choke points.  Because players could spawn all around the place, the game was really about knowing the map you played on and how to use every part of it.  Most games today have cool maps but there are only a few areas of them that the fighting focuses on.  Spawning all over the place meant that players constantly had to stay on their toes.  There is of course an exception to this and it is if you played it as much as my brothers did.  The spawning locations had an order in they would occur and it was quite possible to memorize the locations in which players would spawn after death.  It wasn’t much of an issue in 4 player deathmatches, but in 1 on 1 games we had to stop using the map Stack or else whoever go the first kill would win the game.

No Online Play – This may seem stupid for a few reasons, foremost being that online play wasn’t possible with the 64.  I hear you saying “Shut the fuck up you pooftah, playing GoldenEye online would be awesome!  Everyone wouldn’t be able to see your screen and know when you are sneaking up on them” But I have to disagree, because most shooters are played online now we forget just how much fun it was being in the same room as the people you played against.  It is why lanning is so much fun, because it adds such a better dynamic when the person you just fragged is sitting next to you and you can see their grief.  Multiplayer sessions of GoldenEye were fun in the extreme because it was you and your friends just having fun, dicking around and shooting one another.  It was a much more social atmosphere that is lost these days with the rise of online play.  Sure you have headsets but it just isn’t the same.  Also unless you had really shit friends you didn’t have to put up with the excessive mic-spam, trolled and racism that is most online gaming communities.  If that happened you had to option to punch the person in the cock.

The Maps – Multiplayer experiences can thrive or die based on the maps you have to play on.  GoldenEye also nailed this aspect of the game.  The maps were simple yet had tons of places to exploit.  Stack had secret passages, Library was great to stalk each other through, Facility had tons of ambush points, The Runway was perfect for sniper duels or just spamming grenades everywhere, Caves was a dream when playing with mines.  And because different weapons could be used and players could spawn all over the map there were tons of different places to camp and use as choke points, rather than two or three as is the case these days.

The most annoying thing about each Team Fotress 2 class.

Of course these are based on my own inadequacies, I am sure there are no shortage of people who never have these problems but I do.  So ha! 

Pyro – It is probably just me but why does every other Pyro seem to do more damage than yours?  Everytime you play Pyro you flame others that take an age to die while when an opposing Pyro flames you, you die almost instantly.  Nothing makes me sadder then ambushing half the enemy team only to have myself get slaughtered and none of them actually die.

Sniper – Sniper is generally a fun class to play if you don’t actually like being in the thick of things, but the most annoying thing about playing Sniper is better Snipers on the opposing team.  You know the guys that hit a headshot as soon as they see you and no matter how hard you try they always shot you first.  Counter-sniping is cool if you are good at it, otherwise it just causes you to rage and change to Spy.

Spy – Pyros.  Nothing is more annoying than enemy Pyros that flame everyone no matter how normal they are acting.  Actually no, now that I think about it crit wrenches are the most annoying things that Spies have to face, it’s like a 50% ratio of normal to crit damage.

Heavies – The worst thing about Heavy is having to walk across the map only to be stabbed in the fucking back by a Spy, continually.  Normally you can hack it once, but multiple times makes you want to put a fist in the anus of every Spy in the game. 

Engineer – Carefully setting up a level 3 sentry gun and dispenser only to have it steam-rolled by an uber the second you get it finished.  It is like someone kicking over a sandcastle you just made.

Scout – Scouts do fuck all damage.  You know it, I know it, stop denying it by saying you just have to play them right.  Nothing is more frustrating than reaching the enemy first only to have them stomp you after you’ve unloaded all 6 shells into them with no results.  And I know, the new weapons are better, but if you suck ass like me you haven’t got them yet because half of the Scout achievements involve using those bonus weapons.

Medic – I generally don’t like to shift the blame to teammates because I suck out loud, but if you have idiot teammates then playing medic is just frustrating.   Such examples include your entire team picking Spy or Sniper, there being no Heavies or Soldiers on the team, teammates that think being healed by a medic means they can charge 3 sentries at once, etc.  Face it, if your team sucks, being a Medic isn’t going to help.

Soldier – They are generally a solid class that is good if you’re shit and really good if you know how to use them.  But everyone that plays Soldier hates the fact you only have 4 rockets in your clip.  Nothing sucks worse than getting ubered when you have just fired your last rocket.  It is even worse when a Medic uses the Critzkreig on you because you can literally wipe out the entire team if you just had time to reload.

Demoman - It is very hard to kill people that are directly in front of you and moving around.  What is so simple with every other class is the bane of demomen everywhere.  The grenade launcher is useless and it usually involves you having to sacrifice your well placed stickies to try deal with the situation, unless you're good with the bottle.

The 5 issues the Pokémon Universe doesn’t address

Despite the fact Pokémon games are aimed at small children the average age of a Pokémon fan is probably 22.  Many of us grew up with Pokémon but now we find ourselves in a world that has not grown up with us.  For now that we are older and more mature we start to ask questions about the world we love, about why it does not reflect the one we live in.  So I have sought to ask the forbidden questions and traverse the taboo issues.  But I don’t have an attention span so I just wrote a list instead.  Everybody likes lists.

1.       1.Eating Pokémon

Surely you’ve eaten some sort of exotic meat before, like shark or whale or kangaroo.  It goes without saying then that in the Pokémon universe there would have to be those who like to eat Pokémon?  Seriously when you think about it Snorlax is basically a larger, stupider cow.  There’s bird Pokémon, seafood Pokémon, even vegetarian Pokémon!  This leads to more disturbing questions, like are there ranches where Pokémon are bred for food?  Are there restaurants where they serve exclusively Pokémon meats? Do trainers eat their Pokémon if things get tough out on the road?  The answer to all of those questions is yes. 

2.       2. Pokephila

I didn’t list this one last because it is painfully obvious.  In a world where you have various cute animal/humanoid type beasts, there is eventually going to be someone that wants to have sex with one of them.  Considering Japan is where Pokémon is from, you can bet there is a wacky game show dedicated to having sex with Pokémon.  Look through the list of Pokémon and you can see all sorts of different creatures that could have a use when you are drunk and all alone (or not but hey that could be your thing); Pikachu, Chansy and Juigglypuff wouldn’t last 2 minutes in a Japanese bath house without being raped by older Asian gentlemen; Diglett is pretty much a didlo; Exeggcute looks like anal beads; Lickitung should be pretty obvious; and Jynx is either a hooker from a racist 1940’s Warner Bros cartoon or a blow up doll, or both.  The point is that in the Pokémon universe there would be whole perverted subcultures that have found an advantage in keeping cute little creatures that obey your every command.  Just saying is all.

3.       3. Pokémon Death matches

Fighting Pokémon is cool right.  There are whole stadiums and gyms and leagues dedicated to this most awesome of concepts.  But if the human in the poke-world are anything like the humans in our world, they get bored easily.  What is cooler than watching battle for your amusement?  Watching Pokémon battle to the death for your amusement!    Somewhere outside of the ten-year-old-Japanese-boy trainer demographic, there would have to be douchebags full of ‘roids with ‘extreme’ tattooed on their cocks that fight their Pokémon to the death in some violent underground circuit.  If the game is to be believed they would all sport fighting Pokémon like Machamp but about half of the Pokémon in existence have some way of horribly mauling anything that pisses them off.  Take Kabutops for example, the motherfucker is an armoured shell with blades for hands.  Fighting Pokémon to the death would probably be more popular than the actual leagues assuming they used their Pokémon to kill PETA or whatever the poke-world equivalent is.  Which brings me to my next point…

4.       4. Pokémon as criminals

Again, how can you not see the advantage of having a monster that obeys your every command and can do magic.  It is like the birthday wish of some retarded 6 year old.  Why work for money, what your Golem can rip through a bank vault like it was paper?  Why hold down a full time job when your Alakazam can hypnotize basically anyone you point him at?  Why take the shit of everyone in society who pisses you off when you can have (presumably) 6 fire-breathing dragons who are just as pissed off at the establishment as you are, only they listen to you.  The crime in this world would be phenomenal.  Almost anyone who has a pokeball and 15 minutes to walk around the grass has the potential to become a super-villain.  Sure they have the whole Team Rocket thing but they seem to be doing it wrong to say the least.

5.       5. Black Market Pokegoods

You know what would be cool in your living room?  A stuffed Dragonite.  Or maybe a throw rug made from a Raichu.  Pick a Pokémon and it has a cool feature you could either make furniture from or sell to saps as a cure for AIDS.  If you think poaching in Africa is bad, what about the Pokémon world?  If I had $10,000 to spare I would totally buy the shell of a Blastoise and convert it into a hot-tub.  Pimping indeed.   How about ornamental swords made from a Scyther’s arms?  You could become a fucking ivory baron just by capturing Pokémon and selling their groovy features for money, and probably their meat as well.   I could guarantee you someone is going to want to snort the penis of Jolteon if it has the same effect as coke and Viagra put together, which I am assuming it does.  And here the game has you selling trinkets like a sucker.